Afraid

Like some people, I'm afraid of commitment in a relationship. Apart from that, I think that my happiness is not important compared to my family.... I like girls but it seems that I'm never attracted to them... Its frustrate me just because of that... It's not that I don't want a girlfriend but it seem that everyone girl I know are either taken (this is a downfall for having a playboy as a friend), not compatible or I have considered them to be a friend... And in my opinion, if its a relationship between friend goes wrong, I would have lost not only her but maybe almost all...
 
Yes I admit that I am fussy at this kind of things... What do you aspect.... Relationship and marriage is not something like playing a game... You can pause, restart and terminate it with a single button... You will have to live with your decision  for the rest of your life.... 


The other problem is that I also have feeling toward guys...  hahaha... Is it ironic.... After a lot of frustration with girls, I stop going or trying on a flirting session.... Its seems like forever that I have been alone (apart from my family) that I forgot how to flirt...... 


For my feeling toward guys, i suppressed it... But it seems that the feeling keeps getting stronger.... The worst part is that i seems to be attracted to boys.... To me they are more honest toward their feeling.... Damn... Its frighten me sometime to think about it... 


Just because i have all those absurd urges, I never have the guts to try it... Its probably better if it remain as a fantasy... Its not like I like to fuck people but i only like to see naked boys, hugs them. Boys have the tendency of making me feel like I am wanted.... and I like it.... I can be whatever I want around them and not be constrain with social perception and also my friend......


I am still unemployed after so long... That makes me feel so damn bad... Feel so helpless, that it sicken me to see myself everyday... But life must go on and I'm gonna stop from furthering my studies after i got my degree... I'm gonna work my buts off just to make it up to my parents.... 


Most importantly, I would like to be like other people who can loved and be love by others... What can you aspect? I am an antisocial person and it's seem that people don't like me.... so my social skill is not that great 


:)

Really hope that i found someone to pour my hearts to... Because its seems that the wall I build around it seems to be thicker....